Hogwarts the school for the Queer and Homosexual
by Willowstar
Summary: What happens when Rita Skeeter decides to do a documentary on the REAL going on's of Hogwarts?
1. Rita's a blithering idiot

Hogwarts: A school for the queer and homosexual. A documentary by Rita Skeeter  
  
:: A woman in a royal purple tight business robe is shown, with pointed glasses resting on the brim of her nose, covered in sparkling diamonds. Behind her is a view of the impressive Hogwarts grounds. She stands staring at the camera, not moving. ::  
  
Cameraman: And go.  
  
Rita: .  
  
Cameraman: Rita, go.  
  
Rita: . ::straightens her robes a bit::  
  
Cameraman: Rita. The camera is on.  
  
Rita: What?  
  
Cameraman: (exasperated) Talk.  
  
Rita: ::clears her throat:: Welcome, this is Rita Skeeter reporting on Hogwarts: School for Witch Craft and Wizardry. But is it really what you thought it was? You send your children here every year, but what are they really learning? Yours truly took into her own hands to find out. What follows is a shockingly true story about what your kids do in the secretive halls of this well-known school.  
  
:: Scene quickly switches to inside a warm, comfortable office. In front sits an amiable old man, with a white flowing beard. Across the bottom his name appears: Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster::  
  
Rita: So, tell me Albus. What do you hope these children will take from this school?  
  
Dumbledore: ::smiles genially, his eyes twinkling a bit:: The facilities they need to traverse the magical world. From here, the possibilities are endless, and they can do whatever they deem desirable.  
  
Rita: Desirable? And what do you, headmaster, find desirable?  
  
Dumbledore: ::looks at Rita a little confusedly:: Excuse me?  
  
:: The scene changes to an out-of-focused figure. The camera takes a second to adjust and we see a greasy-haired man of middle thirties sitting rigidly in his chair. The words flow across the bottom. Severus Snape: Potions Professor::  
  
Rita: Professor. Teaching aspiring youths must be an interesting job. Tell me a little bit about it.  
  
Snape: ::looking very displeased, in a cold voice:: I teach the children the art of potions making, and hope that they aren't blithering idiots.  
  
Rita: ::Giggles, obviously forced:: How funny, calling your students blithering idiots.  
  
Snape: I was serious.  
  
Rita: ::starts a bit, then smiles and continues:: And what sort of potions do you teach them? For example: sleeping potions, death potions, memory potions, love potions.?  
  
Snape: ::curtly:: All kinds.  
  
Rita: ::In a seductive voice:: So, you teach them all kinds?  
  
Snape: ::looking at Rita as if she's a blithering idiot herself:: Yes.  
  
:: Scene changes to a bigger room filled with endless shelves of books. A bushy brown haired girl sits behind a table with mounds of books before her. Scrawled across the bottom: Hermione Granger: Head Girl::  
  
Rita: So Hermione. Being Head girl must be very hard. But what do you do in your spare time?  
  
Hermione: Oh, I catch up on some reading, or hang out with my friends.  
  
Rita: So, no one special in your life?  
  
Hermione: ::blushing:: Oh, well. That.  
  
Rita: Tell me a little about your love life.  
  
Hermione: Isn't this supposed to be about the school?  
  
Rita: ::quickly changing the subject:: It must be tough having two boys to confide in as best friends, who is that special girl that you pour your heart out to?  
  
Hermione: ::very slowly:: You mean my best friend that's a girl?  
  
Rita: ::nods her head, inching forward::  
  
Hermione: Well, I guess Ron's little sister Ginny, she's really close to me.  
  
Rita: Ginny Weasley? Not exactly the kind of girl I pictured you with, but I guess opposites attract.  
  
Hermione: Huh?  
  
:: Scene changes, focusing on two boys. The one on the left has black raven hair, with big round glasses. Between his messy bangs a barely visible lightning bolt scar can be seen. A taller boy with flaming red hair, and more freckles than you can count sits next to him. Writing on the bottom: Harry Potter: The-boy-who-lived, and Ron Weasley: Sidekick::  
  
Rita: The famous Harry Potter. Potter, how do you learn with all these adoring witches falling at your feet all the time?  
  
Harry: Um. they don't?  
  
Rita: Oh come, surely you're the big man on campus. Every girls dream, bet you've broken many a witches' heart.  
  
Harry: ::fidgeting, not really comfortable where this is going:: No, not really.  
  
Rita: Oh, well. I see. You don't "swing that way". Now I see why you're such good friends with Weasley.  
  
Ron: What?  
  
Rita: ::giggles:: My, you two do look cute together.  
  
Harry: ::stares at Rita, then looks frighteningly over at Ron::  
  
Ron: ::looking a little confused:: What are you going on about?  
  
:: Scene changes back to Severus Snape who is looking a little more annoyed than the first time::  
  
Rita: You and Dumbledore have a really close relationship, is that correct.  
  
Snape: I really don't see how this is pertinent.  
  
Rita: You said yourself if it was for that, and I quote, "dear sweet man", you wouldn't have this position right now.  
  
Snape: Yes, he did give me a job when most wouldn't trust me. He did a great service to me, and I will do everything in my power to repay him.  
  
Rita: ::arching an eyebrow:: You will?  
  
~~~~  
  
Ok, so this sounded better in my head. but what the hell, I'll post it anyway. If ya like, review and I'll try to make it funnier. I'm just a little tired right now. Hee hee.. I hope to at least get most of the pairings on this fanfic site. it'd be fun! Neway. hope you liked it Love me 


	2. Neville GAY?

:: Scene changes to a blonde "pretty boy". He's. how can one put it? Hot. His hair is meticulously perfect, and he has this broad smirk on his face. Name: Draco Malfoy- Big man on campus.::  
  
Rita: You tell me you have the "real" scoop on the boy-who-lived.  
  
Draco: Yeah. Potter and that redhead, Ron Weasley, they fool around. A lot! I've caught them snogging more than once before.  
  
Rita: Really? How did it effect you?  
  
Draco: What do you mean? It was gross.  
  
Rita: But did it hurt you that your crush was making out with another boy?  
  
Draco: ::looking sick:: My secret crush? On a guy? HARRY POTTER?  
  
Rita: No, not Harry. I'm talking about Ron, people tell me that you scream his name at nights.  
  
Draco: Did Crabbe tell you this? He doesn't know anything!  
  
Rita: Oh, did I hit a soft spot?  
  
Draco: Forget it! The deal's off Rita, here's your money back!  
  
Rita: ::looks kind of sheepish as Draco waves around a couple of sickles:: What are you talking about Draco? ::a nervous laugh, raises her hand, swiftly moving it across her throat.::  
  
::The picture turns blank for a few seconds. It comes back on, focusing on an elbow slightly to the left. Hermione's and Ginny's voice are heard in the background.::  
  
Hermione: GINNY! Don't put your hand *there*!  
  
Ginny: Oops. Sorry.  
  
Hermione: Stop touching!  
  
Ginny: Oh, come on! I'm just playing!  
  
Hermione: No! Come on, Rita's trying to shoot a film here!  
  
Ginny: ::seductively:: Oh, come on Hermione!  
  
Hermione: ::gasps:: Ginny! Now look what you did! I'm all *wet*!  
  
:: It seems as if the cameraman just realizes that he's shooting absolutely nothing. He swings the camera around a couple of times to see Hermione Granger standing up brushing black ink off her dress. Ginny Weasley looks a little sheepish with an ink bottle in her hand.::  
  
Ginny: Sorry!  
  
:: The picture is back on again with Harry and Ron, Harry looking a little more than upset stands up and starts waving his hands around.::  
  
Harry: Are you insinuating something Rita?  
  
Rita: ::nervous giggle:: My, whatever do you mean?  
  
Ron: I'm confused.  
  
Rita: Don't worry Ron, Harry's just being overdramatic.  
  
Harry: OVER DRAMATIC? ::says overdramatically::  
  
Ron: What? What's wrong?  
  
Harry: All of the nerve! ::waves his hands a bit more:: To even think! Ah!  
  
Ron: I'm confused.  
  
Rita: He's upset dear.  
  
Ron: ::looks at Rita like she's a blithering idiot:: Yeah. Got that.  
  
Rita: ::shrugs her shoulders:: You said you were confused.  
  
::Scene switches to a stumpy plump kid. He looks around nervously. He sees writing beneath him, which says: Neville, the flamboyant one, points and giggles.::  
  
Neville: Hey, that's my name!  
  
Rita: Don't touch that! That's for the movie.  
  
Neville: Oops. Sorry. ::giggles again::  
  
Rita: So.  
  
Neville: Oh. Yeah. ::giggle giggle:: I'm gay.  
  
~~~  
  
Gasp! NEVILLE GAY? Wait. that's not a surprise. ha! Neway. hoped you liked it! I think this one is funnier than the last. yay! Hopefully it'll get funnier. Snape next time. god I love playing with that man! Yay! Review please! Oooh. and if you have any great ideas, please email them to me at Kitts4real@aol.com! Thanks! I'll use 'em. cuz god knows I need help! Ha! Neway. love you guys! Love me 


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